LOVE AND BEYOND

©Mallari 2017
written by Rolando Q. Mallari, MD

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters, the story line, the location are all culled from the imagination. Any similarity to real life and place are purely coincidental.

He suddenly asked, "Did you ever love my older brother?"

I was dumb-founded with the question posed to me by Ryan. Who by the way is Ryan? Ryan is a handsome, muscular built young man of 20 years. He looks more like an Indian. His mother is a Filipino while his father is an Indian national involved in the 5-6 financing business in the Philippines. His parents had a falling off and got separated when he was still 5 years old. He grew up under the care of his stepfather who is a Major in the military.

I took Ryan as one of my production staff in a recently staged show that I handled. He is such an industrious and diligent worker. I was surprised with his question. What does he know? I wanted to block his question point blank but I was surprised with myself, I answered differently.

Why are you asking me that question? What do you know about your brother and me?, I asked.

“Even if you keep your relationship from everyone, still everyone will know. He is always at your home, almost every day. He sometimes sleeps there. If he comes home, the topic of our conversation is you. His text messages are always about you. The private messages he had were all from you,” Ryan explained.

And who is this brother he is referring to? It is Arman. He lives at the border near our subdivision. I instantly went back memory lane.

A text message was received by me and it is asking who I was. I don’t usually entertain messages from unknown number and persons but on that particularly day, I told the texter, “Why are you asking me when in fact I never have texted or called you?”

Then he bared out he is Arman, the young man who shook my hands when introduced to me by my personal assistant, Lumen. It was Lumen who gave him my number. He extended his apology and asked if he can visit me.

That was the start. Arman became part of my life. He became a fixture in the house. He can come to house anytime as my mother had accepted him. He entered my heart and allowed him stay there! How can I not say I did not love Arman when I gave him my heart and soul?

It is as if I was lulled into the dreamland and Ryan just snapped my beautiful dream.

“Do you think you love him when you didn’t even fight for him? When he was framed in to a marriage he did not like, what did you do? You just stayed there. You are selfish! If you really loved my brother, you should have agreed to his suggestion,” he emotionally charged me.

I was affronted. “What do you know about love? What do you know about the things we shared that you confront me like this? I have loved your brother so much but that is what it should be!”

“My brother loved you so much. Even when he got sick and died of that dreaded meningitis, you were his words even to the last of his breath!”

I just sat and then looked at the floor and let those tears fall. Slowly, Ryan sat beside me. He embraced me telling me that I should allow him to continue that love.

I was startled.

“What are you telling me? Didn’t you know how old am I? Do you know the real me?

“Age doesn’t matter to me. You are what you are and whatever and whoever you are, that doesn’t matter to me. What matters is what is in my heart. I have loved you since I was younger. Yes, you have loved my brother but that love was meant for nowhere. Let me love you in my ways. I will fight for this love. Let us leave and let us make this love work;” Ryan said tearfully. 

Slowly, Ryan took me to face him. He wiped the tears on my face. His faced went near my face, his lips gently kissing mine.

(PostScript: It’s been a time. Ryan and I are now in Canada living together as a couple.)

MY MOTHER’S FOLLY

©Mallari 2017
written by Rolando Q. Mallari, MD

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters, the story line, the location are all culled from the imagination. Any similarity to real life and place are purely coincidental.

He had just turned 21.  Romer was on his last year in college. He was finishing a pre-medical course in the summer capital en-route to a medical course. He woke up in a chilly morning and he tried flexing his muscles and did some stretching exercises. Before he was able to decide if he will take a lap around the convention center, his cellphone rang. He looked at his phone and determined who was calling. It was his mother Jillian. His mother greeted him a happy birthday and said that if he can come home for the weekend, it would be a great pleasure for her. 

His mother is already in her early 50’s. She is a woman who had been challenged by the times. His mother stood tall with those challenges. She was once a beauty queen but since saddled with financial misfortunes, her face had now shown the early ravages of time. Five years ago, she was diagnosed to have uterine cancer. She underwent removal of her uterus and ovaries. This was followed by radiation and chemotherapy. Despite these conditions, she maintained her jolly countenance. She always had a ready smile for everyone. His mother was everything to him. He has not known his father. Although, according to his mother he would regularly visit them for the first two years of his life. Then, his mother decided to severe her ties with his father. Since then, he had never discussed the man with his mother. 

He usually comes home for the weekend since the summer capital is just an hour away from his home. But because of his travel sickness he would alternately go home every week. This is the first time his mother requested him to go home that weekend. Is there something important his mother is going to tell him? 

After his last class that Friday, he decided to take the 5PM bus going home. He knew that it would be dark already when he arrives in the capital town but he would be able to catch the 7PM last trip to their municipality. He would be around home by 8PM. Upon arrival, he noticed that there were many lights on in the house He saw the car of his relatives parked infront of the house. He felt a sudden chill and chest-pounding feeling that made him dart towards their house. He saw his mother in bed and attended to by his aunts and cousins. He was told his mother just collapsed while sewing dresses. 

He looked at his mother. She was quiet. She was resting on the old antique bed, calm with a queenly demeanor. Despite her malady, his mother commands strength and toughness. He ran towards her, sat beside the bed and held hands gently and placing them in his cheeks. He felt the thin hands with markedly enlarged veins. Tears slowly flowed from his lacrimal ducts. He began to sob until those soft sobs began to fill the room. His mother’s hands moved. She tapped the hands that were holding them. She opened her eyes and looked at the other people in the room. She gestured to them that they be left alone. 

Once they were by themselves, he can’t control the tears that were flowing. His mother rose up and sat in the bed and calmed him. He held her face and her hands. The skin creases were getting more. His mother is slowly being ravaged by the cancer cells. The uterine cancer is taking its toll. He knew the end is coming. 

His mother took an envelope under her pillow and gave it to him. He opened it and saw pictures of a man that closely resembled him. He looked at his mother and she nodded as if to acknowledge a silent question. Then his mother told him a story that he had wanted to hear but only revealed today. 

His mother died. Grief swallowed him. He gagged. He choked. He bunged up. That was all he needed to. But he never felt he was alone. His mother taught him resilience and strength beyond a storm. He can weather this. After his mother was buried, he was surprised to know that his mother left him a fortune enough for him to finish his dream of becoming a doctor. His mother’s siblings were very supportive of him. His aunt and cousins were very much willing to take him in at their homes but he decided to stay at home. 

The semester is almost over and he is consumed in his school requirements. He had to finish all of them in a dizzying pace. He had no time to grieve. All his efforts were fruitful as he will graduate with honors and is on top of the class. He wanted to sulk but he knows his mother would not want that attitude from him. His mother has always shown him that there is always a silver lining in the dark clouds above. He finally made the decision. 

Despite the summer, there was still a chill that tickles the spine on that day. He took the early morning trip at the Victory Liner that day. It was a full trip and surprisingly a one-stop trip at Sison, Pangasinan then direct trip to Manila via TPLEX-SCTEX-NLEX. It was a surprise that special trips like these are now available. He decided to check-in at a 3-star hotel at heart of Cubao in Quezon City and took a rest and dozed off to sleep. He woke up and panicked. It was already 7PM. He peeped through the window room of the hotel. Darkness had set in. The lights in the commercial district came to life and people from all walks of life populated the streets. There was a cacophony of sound emanating from everywhere. He realized time is running, he went to the bathroom and took a bath. Drenched wet, he looked at himself in the mirror and the tension in him showed. He huffed and huffed and huffed. It was one way of releasing the tension built in him. The steam from the warm shower created a water film in the mirror.  It became much thicker when he huffed and huffed. He cleaned the water film while drying himself using the white towel from the hotel. He took a tight-fitting black shirt from his bag. He paired it with a walking short. His mind was wondering whether he was just going to watch or be a part of what is going to happen. He heaved a sigh. Then he said the words “let it be!” He then put on his sandals and walked out of his room. He took the elevator and surrendered his keys at the front desk. 

At the hotel lobby, he opened his Waze apps and typed the road and building he was going to. It flashed and said it is an 8-minute walk from the hotel he was in. He walked out of the hotel and followed through the directions and in a short distance a tall building was in front of him. He asked the building guard where the Germanic Entertainment Agency was located although in the card he was holding, it rightly said so. The building guard politely answered it was at the theater room, Level 10. He took the elevator and he was surprised that Level 10 is an amphitheater. An ongoing training for would be beauty queens was being held. There was a man apparently the trainer/director making the orders. He was tall but fat with a big belly to boot. He commanded respect from the participants. He would sway his hands and scream at the top of voice when he was trying to impress on something. He felt he wasn’t ready yet. He started to move backwards when a young gay man asked him. 

“Sir, are you looking for somebody?” He nodded and he said, “I am looking for a certain Mr. Redentor Ibanez!” 

Oh, it’s Mama Reden!, the young gay man answered. 

He already grasped the sexuality of the person he was looking. The young gay man smiled at him mischievously and pulled him inside. 

“Mama Reden, someone is looking for you. A new discovery!” the young gay was referring to him.

The theater director was not to be disturbed and shouted at the top of his voice. 

“I don’t want to be disturbed! Tell him to come back.......”

While talking Reden was slowly turning around towards the young gay man  and him. He was on the act of opening his mouth to give them a good tongue-lashing but instead he was petrified. He was statue-like. Then he trembled. He slowly sat down put his two hands in front of his face. He began to sob. He began to whisper, “Oh My God, she’s gone. she’s gone. She’s gone.”

Then Romer said to him, “So it’s real!”

Reden stood up and faced him. No one moved. Then Romer said, 

Are you not going to embrace me? Are you not going to welcome me?, he asked him while his eyes started becoming cloudy. 

Are you going to allow me?, Reden asked.

Romer nodded. And then Reden embraced him so tightly. He was muttering the words, “Seventeen years! Seventeen years!” He was kissing him all over his face. He was crying and laughing at the same time. The people in the theater were so surprised as they do not understand what was happening. Mr. Ibanez declared a break in the training and assigned his assistant director to continue thereafter. He took Romer’s hands and walked towards the door. They took the elevator and went to the topmost portion of the building where a restaurant was located. At the restaurant you can see the city skyline from all views.  They settled and ordered their food. In between eating their meals, Romer learned about himself. 

Reden and Jillian were best of friends. But as days go by, Jillian’s  obsession with Reden is getting heightened. Jillian knows that Reden is gay. So she hatched a plan so that she could have a child by Reden. Jillian underwent artificial insemination using Reden’s sperms. When Jillian got pregnant, she went home to the province. When her parents asked her who is the father of her child, she would answer, “Even if I would tell you, she can’t marry me anyway!” Jillian’s parents never asked her anymore about the father of the kid. 

When Jillian asked Reden to meet him at the bus station a year after, Reden saw Romer for the first time. Reden was confronted about his gayness and being there for Jillian. The questions that cobfronted Reden was that would he be able to act straight throughout all his life? But Jillian never forced him to make a choice. Until on the second year of frequent visits, Jillian wrote a letter to Reden that she will stop seeing him but will send yearly pictures of Romer to him so that he will know his son. If his son will come to him and present himself, she would not be around by that time. 

Your mother wants you so much. Not that I don’t want you! I have fears of my acceptance as your father, Reden told Romer. 

Romer looked at his father intently and tears flowing in his eyes, he told Reden: 

Mom brought me up without prejudice. Let me just ask you to be a Father to me. You may find yourself wanting but please be there. I want to prove to everyone that you and I are not just mother’s folly - something we deserve better of whom we are now. 

Reden looked at Romer.  No words can express his gratitude for having a fully-grown, intelligent and accepting son like Romer. And he embraced the son he never had for 17 years.  Romer returned the tight embrace. He whispered, “let us go home, Papa.”

IN MOMENTS OF BLISS - 7

©Mallari 2017
written by Rolando Q. Mallari, MD

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters, the storyline, the location are all culled from the imagination. Any similarity to real life and place are purely coincidental.

VII

The heart knows things the mind doesn’t understand

At the time of the presentation of Dr. Zandico deep inside me, I was hoping Joey was watching. I looked around the delegates seated and he was nowhere to be found. I looked at the waiters serving trying to find his face but to no avail. Dr. Zandico's presentation was well received. In the afternoon I made my presentation of how I copped with my situation. From a person that had a new face to a person who did not know herself and to top it all becoming a mother at that. I also discussed the post-amnesia scenario. While delivering my lecture I was hoping that Joey was in the hall. I would like him to understand what I went through. If I have the empathy of these people all over the world, why can't the man I love? I felt emptiness when I did not see Joey around. 

Although Joey did not attend, I was still full of hope because Jeremy invited him for dinner. But alas, Joey did not show up. I was frustrated but did not show my disgust in front of Jeremy. I was wondering why Jeremy did not care a bit. But I brushed that all aside because of the emotional pain I was going through.  Joey would never know who really I am and it is an illusion on my part to think that he will fall in love with me the way he fell in love with me before. 

Jeremy and I were quiet. After the dinner we went directly to our beds. I did sulk at the seeming nothingness of the situation. But I intellectualized that we went to Guam not for him. But since the situations point for us to meet each other it is a plus point so I told myself, no expectations. 

I placed the alarm clock at 4:30AM as I plan to do some exercises like I did before. Guam is a tourist paradise - a nature's gift. When I woke up, Jeremy also stood up but I told him to get back to bed. I told him I will be back just in time for breakfast. I rented a bicycle from the fitness club of the hotel the night before. It would take me around 15 minutes to the JFK Running Course in Tumon. 

The surrounding was still dark but there is haze in the sky. The Waze application was very helpful in giving me directions. I reached the JFK course in exactly 10 minutes. I parked my bicycle at the area intended and I saw a bicycle parked already there. Memories of 11 years ago just flashed in my mind. 

I stood up and made a dash on the track oval. I saw someone jogging counter to my route and when we get to meet face to face, he greeted me and I was surprised it was Joey. I stopped and confronted him

Me: Why are you following me? 

Joey: Following you? I arrived at the oval first. 

Me: Ok you arrived at the oval first. But how would you explain your presence at the hotel? You even interacted with my son. 

Joey: Oh that one? I have some immigration job at the hotel. Come let's run! 

There was an eerie silence between us but we ran together. Then Joey started talking.

Joey: Eleven years ago, I met a girl at an athletic oval in the Philippines. She was a member of the volleyball team. She was tall like you. She was agile like you. She runs like a gazelle like you. But she was every inch so beautiful to me.

And I fell in love with her. But in the most precarious time of our relationship she disappeared. I had a lot of questions that were left unanswered. I cried and I carried that burden through the years. 

Joey stopped and he looked at me. We stared with each other. All of a sudden Joey said: 

Joey: Now I know what happened. Throughout those years, my love never changed. She may not look like the way she was before and I may not recognize her. But the heart knows things that the mind can't explain. When I first met you at the immigration, I felt that there was connection between us that I could not explain. I listened to my heart and it says you are my Siglat....

He called me by the name I am known in the volleyball team. It means agile. My tears started to flow and we embraced with each other. 

Joey: I am so sorry. I should have been there when you needed me most. 

Joey looked at me.  And he kissed me and that kiss erased the 11 years of despair. 

Me: You were there at the symposium? 

Joey nodded and smiled. 

Joey: I was the one with a mask. You even smiled at me. 

I tapped his shoulder in disbelief. I told him Jeremy would be happy to know his father. 

Joey: He already knew. He planned this meeting. Joey laughed. We had luncheon together yesterday and I talked to him. My absence during dinner is all but planned. 

Me: You are both bad boys. 

Then I saw Jeremy joining us in the oval and we had a tight embrace the three of us together. The sun has finally risen into the horizon, we walked to the bicycle stand and we looked at each other. Jeremy was clinging to his father trying to make up for the lost years. I had the same feeling too. 

It was a new day - a beautiful day indeed. 

IN MOMENTS OF BLISS -6

©Mallari 2017
written by Rolando Q. Mallari MD

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters, the storyline, the location are all culled from the imagination. Any similarity to real life and place are purely coincidental.

VI

 Blood is thicker than water

Joey took an emergency leave from work. He made a few calls and prepared a few things and off he went to Dusit Thani Guam Resort Hotel. Joey is well known in the hotel. He had had few operations work for the immigration that happened in the hotel. His presence in the hotel may seem to be work. But unknown to all, Joey was working on a hunch, rather on an old feeling and he was hoping he was right. 

After checking in at the hotel, Joey went to the swimming pool area and saw some acquaintances. 

Joey: Oh girls what took you here? 

Girl 1: Hi Joey! Oh we are babysitters for a little while.

Girl 2: I don't know if that was the term. We will be with a friend's son who is 10 years old now. Our friend is presenting a paper at the Guam Medical Society scientific session.

Joey: (suddenly getting interested) Really? 

Girl 1: Yes and by the way, the young boys seemed to look like you!  

Girl 2: Come to think of it, he looks like you! 

Joey: Are you referring to Dr......

(Joey is supposed to say the name but Jeremy interrupted the conversation).

Jeremy: Tita........ (running towards the two girls and embracing them)

I was at the back following Jeremy and was startled that Joey was talking to the girls. 

They introduced me to Joey and Joey kept his eyes just staring at me! I seemed to have drifted 11 years ago! I was praying to myself that Joey would blurt out the name he used to call me but his voice dampened my hopes. With all formality, he just said, "glad to have met you!"

He asked to be excused but Jeremy, all of a sudden invited him to take a swim with him. He just looked at me and I obliged while talking to my two friends whom I asked to look after Jeremy. Joey and Jeremy seem to hit it off well. Joey is also a very good swimmer and while Jeremy took swimming classes during summer. It was a fun to look at the two of them. Maida and Mila, my two friends who agreed to look after Jeremy were looking at me intently! They joked that Joey is still available despite few relationships he had entered into. They further intimated that Joey probably had not moved on a past relationship. My mind wandered off to what happened 11 years ago when all of a sudden I heard Jeremy talking. I looked at them and didn't notice that they were done swimming and approached us with the girls. 

Jeremy: Mama, I invited Officer Joey to join us for dinner tonight. I know you would be presenting this afternoon. Can he join us for dinner? 

I was surprised and I looked at Jeremy, then looked at Joey and looked at the girls. I just couldn't say no. After saying yes, Joey smiled and excused himself. I saw the two girls chattering and called out on Joey. They seem to say something but Joey excused himself at once. 

We had breakfast by the poolside. Dr. Zandico my mentor will be presenting advances in plastic surgery in the morning session. He requested me to be present as he asked permission if he could present my case to the scientific community. It was not a problem for me because that's how the scientific world operates. But I was worried, Joey was around and if he happened to sit and listen during the presentation he would learn the truth of what happened eleven years ago. 

IN MOMENTS OF BLISS -5

©Mallari 2017
written by Rolando Q. Mallari

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters, the storyline, the location are all culled from the imagination. Any similarity to real life and place are purely coincidental.

V

My heart will know you

While at the car going to the hotel, Jeremy asked me a question. 

Jeremy: Mommy, that immigration guy was so intently looking at you. 

Me: Was it me or you? 

Jeremy: He did look at me but I thought he was looking at you more. 

Me: You are too inquisitive.

Jeremy: I seem to be like him. Do you know him? Does he happen to be my father? 

Me: Maybe! 

Jeremy: Maybe? 

Me: Only if he would recognize me.

Jeremy was confounded. He wanted to push for more details but I just look at the mirror and made a faraway look. 

Joey was as confused. He took some file shots of Jeremy and me and when off from duty took home those pictures with him. He called his brother Jayson and showed them the pictures. 

Jayson: Brod, if I really don't know you, I would have said that this is your kid. He is a splitting image of yours. 

Joey: Look Jayson! The circumstances are these. The boy is 10 years old. She had her when she was 17. 

Jayson: So you are saying, you and her had it at 16. She was pregnant when we left for Guam. She delivered when she was 17. 

Joey: Yeah! But what confuses me is that she looked very different. She has a lovely perfect face. 

Jayson: Why isn’t she lovely before? 

Joey: No, Jayson, this was a perfect face. 

Upon saying that, Joey's mind traveled to 11 years ago! He called her up to tell her that they will be flying to Guam in the next two days. But he couldn't tell it on the phone. He would like to be with her before he left the country. He waited in their meeting place. He waited and waited and waited for more....He then took a walk towards her house. He sat in front of her porch. Tears flowing.....Nothing of her came...

Joey left the country in despair. Back in Guam, he resumed his studies with the hope of going back to the Philippines. Fortunately, he was able to work at the immigration and Labor Office where he is now an Immigration Officer. Joey has had his own shares of failed relationships. He probably was looking for her at every girl he had in every relationship. Of course all those girls would have felt that despite their relationship with him, Joey was looking for someone. 

Joey looked at the horizons, eyes tear-filled. He muttered the words: "Why can't I forget you?" He had already planned something on his mind. 

IN MOMENTS OF BLISS -4

©Mallari 2017
written by Rolando Q. Mallari

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters, the storyline, the location are all culled from the imagination. Any similarity to real life and place are purely coincidental.

IV

My New Me

I underwent several tests after my operations. I took examinations on mathematics, science, physics, English and abstract reasoning. It seems that my memory for these subject matters were intact. Although I passed my high school, to test my mental capabilities, I took an aptitude test for graduating high school students and I passed. It was a wonder for everyone but I thank the Lord for not taking away everything from me. I continued to read books and eventually I wanted to go to college. I challenged the entrance examinations of three leading universities of the country and I passed all of them. I selected the school in Quezon City for the academic freedom that it espouses. I took up Bachelor of Science in Psychology and while at the College I joined the volleyball try-outs. My interest in the game seems to be deeply rooted. I get to watch the college team games and unknowingly I lined-up and get listed for the try-outs. During the try-outs, the volleyball trainer and coach assigned us different roles in the game. I was assigned to be a spiker together with one tall girl in the team try-outs. When the ball was tossed, we jumped together and accidentally bumped high up there. I had a bad fall and there was a severe and excruciating pain in my left thigh. I momentarily lost my consciousness. I woke up in the college infirmary surprised with so many people around. I searched for the person that I have longed for and I realized that I have my memory back. During my therapy sessions, I decided that I continue with I am doing now. I opted to sidestep the memories of the past. I don’t want to dwell on them as everything has come to pass.

After acquiring my college degree, I pursued a degree of Medicine. Eleven years from the accident, I am now a doctor pursuing medical research. I was to present a research paper in Guam. I took advantage to take Jeremy with me. My son is now 10 years old, Jeremy had grown to be more like Joey. The color of his eyes and hair and the shape of his face were definitely that of his father.

The flight to Guam was unremarkable. We followed the line for visitors and I was shocked to realize that the immigration officer examining my arrival papers was Joey. I knew that face. I wanted to change my line but Jeremy and I were already in front of him. He glanced at me and Jeremy so intently. Then he asked, "What's your reason in entering Guam Ma'am?" I retorted "I am presenting a medical paper to the Guam Medical Society.”

Who is with you?, he asked. I countered, "I am with my son!"

Son?, he quipped. "Yes, my son. I had him when I was 17," I answered.

Where are you staying in Guam?, he asked further. I answered back, "I will be staying at the Dusit Thani Hotel Guam Resort."

How long will you be staying here?,was his other question? I customarily answered, 7 days Sir!

Then he looked at me and then turned his face to Jeremy, then said, "Welcome to Guam!" He handed our passports and return tickets. I know the questions were customary but why do I get these feeling that there was more to it! I turned around, he was looking at us! 

IN MOMENTS OF BLISS 3

©Mallari 2017
written by Rolando Q. Mallari


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters, the storyline, the location are all culled from the imagination. Any similarity to real life and place are purely coincidental.

III

The Lady in the Mirror

Graduation day was uneventful. My hope for a university scholarship strengthened. I went to Manila to arrange for my college entrance. Unknown to me, Joey and family were going back to Guam. He gave me a long distance call if I could go back home since he had a very important thing to tell me. I told him too that I had a very important message for him as I caressed my belly while talking to him. We decided to meet at our favorite dating place,  Cafe Esperanza at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. 

I got into the Times Transit bus station at Dapitan, Sampaloc. I looked at my watch, and calculated what time will I arrive. Surely, if I will arrive at 3PM, I still had time to refresh for our 5PM appointment. The bus was packed to its capacity. I looked inside and I saw a vacant seat near the back at the window side. I inched my way to the seat. When seated, I began to have deep thoughts what would be the important message Joey had for me. 

All of a sudden, my thoughts were disturbed by the passengers and they were howling and shouting. They were telling the driver to go slow as he was recklessly driving already. He did not listen to what the passengers were saying. He continued driving at top speed. A bus was coming from an opposite direction. It was too late for the driver to slow down and turn to the roadside. It was a head on collision of two onrushing vehicles. The impact was tremendous; I was thrown out of the bus window while others were stocked inside. Unfortunately, I hit into a roadside tree before I was thrown out into the open field. I felt oozing in my face before I lost consciousness. 

I woke up inside a hospital intensive care unit where my face was heavily bandaged, arms connected to intravenous drips and an old lady watching over me. I could not remember anything. I was told, I was unconscious for 7 days. Apparently now, I had developed retrograde amnesia. I had no memory of my past. I had no past to speak of. The doctor explained to me that with support from the family and health care providers. Severe concussion and brain injury may give a permanent memory loss. Sometimes another severe experience will cause a sudden return of memory. I had nothing to say at that time as my precious memory failed me.

An old lady was seated near my bedside, totally anguished. She was introduced to me as my grandmother. I was told I grew up with my grandmother and my parents were to arrive soon. I have no recall about them and I can feel their torment. But I became more agitated when the doctor told me everything was a miracle since the child within me was safe. I can only stare into nothingness. Here I am who can't remember anything and yet pregnant at that. Who was the father of my child to be? And who am I since I lost the face that I once had. 

My attending doctors discussed my prognosis and what would become of my face. I was attended by a group of doctors working to ensure my functionality and acceptance to the society. I met my plastic surgeon and showed me my old pictures. I didn’t even have a memory of how I looked. I met psychologists, psychiatrists, internists, neurologists and surgeons in the process. The plastic surgeon, Dr. Castro told me that she might not be able to restore the old original face. A new face will evolve. In the deep recesses of my mind, I asked the question, was there someone who needed to see me in my old face? As if the doctor read my mind: "It's just a face. If someone loves you so dearly, he will be able to recognize you and love you beyond that face."

It was not a four-stage operation. Since the damage on my face was quite extensive, they can’t do the procedure at once. The skin flaps need to develop and healing needs to occur in other areas before they are touched. The delicate procedures seemed to evoke memories of a past I can't fully recall. If others were haunted by their pasts, I was one who was looking for a past to haunt me. 

During this ordeal, my working word was hope. Each time they remove a bandage in my face, I was hoping for a better face, not the scarred monster face caused by the accident. I felt that my parents and grandmother have accepted what had happened to and they have come to terms with it. Jeremy my son who was born six months after the accident was the healing bond between us. I may not know the circumstances of his being but he brought joy to my family. Jeremy was born a very healthy handsome baby with hazel brown eyes and light brown hair. I thought to myself that he probably looked like the man who fathered him. Despite my age at 17, I never felt the dismay of my parents about Jeremy's existence. Jeremy was their source of joy and bliss while I was into my nothingness. My tragedy was replaced with the joys of having Jeremy. I felt that I was not alone in their love because there was a Jeremy to cure the ills of what I have gone through. I am so full of gratitude to my parents and my grandmother for taking care of Jeremy.

 The last reparative surgery was without a hitch. Dr. Mercado gave the mirror for me to look at her art - her creation; her Venus de Milo. I am dumbfounded. I cannot scale the walls in front of me. I cannot reach out for any emotions. Even my family was in great awe for that work. I was not the girl in the picture anymore.  But I liked what I saw.